A Brief Commuters Guide To Not Being A Wanker

If you have read my blog you will know I have zero love for public transport, and am constantly ranting about it. The thing is I don’t want you to feel like I’m persecuting the transport providers, I’m just not that kind of person, I truly believe in equal rights for all which is why I hate everyone equally.

Now lets take a look at how you can stop adding agro to what is already arguably one of the most painful parts of life.


Do not

  • Whip your bloody mac desktop out on the train, there’s barely room for  people let alone your whole office.
  • Eat anything that smells, crunches or involves you opening a packet on the train. Someone crunching or rustling a packet is one of the most infuriating sounds and could result in loud tutting and in extreme cases a death stare.
  • Share your music with the whole carriage. I don’t know if you are trying to hang on to your weekend rave spirit, or if you are trying to Psych yourself up for a Monday full meetings about meetings, or if maybe you’re just still drunk. But what I do know is that you are pissing everyone on this carriage off. The weekend is over, deal with it like everyone else, in morbid silence.
  • Be a moron at the barriers. They are not a game, you simply tap, they open and you walk through. The speed of the barriers doesn’t change, you do not need to run, they will not cut you in half. But you also don’t need to play chicken with them and see how long you can wait before they close. Those behind waiting to go through, please calm your shit down, because if you tap your card before I have got through it WILL cause a pile up, it WILL take your money, and it WILL make everyone hate you.




  • Get out of the way. Considering how science is compulsory until the age of 16, the fact that there are people walking around who think that they can walk through other people is worrying. It’s not possible okay, unless you’re a ghost, and if you carry on getting in everyone’s way, you soon will be. Those standing by the door, when the train stops and the doors open, get off the train, wait by the door, let me get off and then you can get back on. Oh and guess what when I’m off there will be more room for you! Bloody genius isn’t it!!
  • Follow the trend, if you reach a flight of stairs and everyone on the left is walking down and everyone on the right is walking up. Use your fucking brains and copy them. Don’t suddenly decide you’re going to rebel and go up the down side, that’s just madness, it also gives everyone who is going the right way carte blanch to beat you with their bag as you walk past . In the commuting world no one likes a trendsetter
  • Have in your hand Before you reach the que to the barriers  your oyster card, contactless card, or Apple Pay App ready to scan. (Note I do not mention paper ticket. If you have a paper ticket, rip it up and crawl back under that rock you’ve clearly been living under for the last 10 years.) If you do not know this rule you should not be allowed near a train station.


I hope that this happy little list will aid you in your commuting endeavours, if you see anyone breaking any of these rules please do give them an eye roll, death stare or snort of derision depending on the severity of their crime.

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