A Murderer calls

A dad and a daughter are sitting in the dining room. It is a Monday around 1:30pm. They leave nothing to chance when it comes to middle class stereotypes and so, having just enjoyed an exhilarating game of lawn croquet they are doing a waitrose crossword and having a correctly sized cup of Nespresso coffee.

*knock at the door*

The dad rises from his chair.

Daughter- ( a slight panic to her voice) Where are you going?

Dad- To open the door…

Daughter- Why?

Dad- That’s usually what you do when someone knocks.

Daughter- Really? But it could be a murderer!

Dad- I don’t think they generally knock.

Daughter- I’d just ignore it if I were you, that’s what I do when you’re not here. I don’t answer the door. Or the phone.

(The daughter is not only a middle class stereotype, but a true suburban girl, she does not answer doors, nor phones, she’s terrified of the world beyond the net curtains that she so regularly can be found peering through.)

Dad- So you just sit here and let them knock?

Daughter- Oh well no, I mean I try to hide, like get on the floor and crawl out of view.

Dad- (Bewildered) Are you serious? And what if the phone rings?

Daughter- I just ignore it, and then sometimes it rings again so I put it on mute, or if I can’t work out how to I hide the phone.

Dad- So that explains why I keep missing phone calls and finding the phone under the sofa or in the cupboard!

The dad rises and walks to the door.

Daughter- I really don’t think you should open the door honestly it’s definitely a murderer.

The dad opens the door.

Dad- Hello

Murder- Hello, how are you?

Dad- Fine thank you, I was just-

Murderer- Oh, I haven’t caught you at a bad time have I?

Dad- Well I was just doing a crossword actually

Murderer- Oh so sorry, do you want me to come back? You don’t want someone finishing you before you finish your crossword. I’m here about the murder you see.

Dad- Oh yes certainly, well I won’t be a minute I’ve just got one more word to do. Are you alright to set up? Got everything you need?

Murderer- Let me see, (checks bag pulling out various objects) okay we’ve got big black plastic sheeting.

Dad- What’s that for?

Murder- Oh it’s to protect the carpet, you don’t want blood all over your carpet! It’s a devil to get out

Dad- Oh very kind of you!

Murderer- Then we have one spade, (pulls out a tiny spade)

Dad- Oh well now it’s going to take you forever to dig a grave with that!

Murderer- Yes you’re right, the last one took me 4 days, got a terrible bad back digging it, they were a fat family you see, the hole had to be as wide as it did long!

Dad- Oh well my poor chap, we can’t have  that! I tell you what I’ve got a much better shovel in the shed you can borrow that.

Murderer- Oh are you sure?

Dad- it’s no trouble, no trouble at all!

Murderer- ( pulling a very small blunt knife from his bag) and finally, one knife. It’s a tad blunt I’m afraid, been a busy month. Don’t suppose you’ve got a knife sharpener.

Dad- No, no I don’t I’m afraid, can you do it without?

Murderer- Well it’ll be a job, but I should be able to manage, I’m just thinking of you really.

Dad- Okay, well we’re all set then! Now I’m just going to go an have a go at that last word on the old crossword before we get started.

Murderer- Can I help at all? I always seem to win at hangman.

Dad-Very kind of you! So it’s 8 letters down and the clue is…homicidal maniac.

The end.

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